The lost property office

Scene:    A lost property office
Characters:  The lost property office clerk
                    A gangster
                    A policeman

The gangster runs into the lost property office. There are police cars passing in the street at high speed.

Clerk         Can I help you?
Gangster   Where am I?
Clerk         You're in a lost property office.
Gangster   A lost property office?
Clerk         Yes. Have you lost something?
Gangster   Probably
Clerk         What have you lost?
Gangster   I've lost my... umbrella.
Clerk         Ah, you want the Umbrella Section.
Gangster   The Umbrella Section?
Clerk         Yes. Go out into the street, turn left, and it's on the left.
Gangster   Into the street?
Clerk         Yes. You see, this isn't the Umbrella Section. This is the Animal Section.
Gangster   The Animal Section?
Clerk         Yes.
Gangster In that case, I've lost my dog.
Clerk         You've lost your dog.
Gangster   Yes.
Clerk         Well, in that case, you want the Small Animal Section.
Gangster   TheSmall Animal Section?
Clerk         Yes. Go into the street, turn right, and it's on the right.
Gangster   Into the street?
Clerk         Yes. You see, this isn't the Small Animal Section. This is the Large Animal Section.
Gangster   The Large Animal Section?
Clerk         Yes.
Gangster   In that case, I've lost my elephant.
Clerk         You've lost your elephant?
Gangster   Yes.
Clerk         I see. Well, I'll need a few details. Would you like to sit down?
Gangster   I'd love to.

The gangster sits down.

Clerk         Now, first of all: Name.
Gangster   Er.. .Winston.
Clerk         Well, Mr Winston -
Gangster   No. my name isn't Winston. The elephant's name is Winston.
Clerk         I see. And what is your name?
Gangster   Churchill.
Clerk         (Writing-.) Churchill. Address?
Gangster   Er.. .Churchill's Circus.
Clerk         Oh, I see. It's a circus elephant.
Gangster   Is it?.... Yes. Yes, it is!
Clerk         When did you last see him?
Gangster   Who?
Clerk         The elephant.
Gangster   Oh, Winston. Well, we were on a bus yesterday -
Clerk         On a bus?!
Gangster   Yes.
Clerk         How did Winston get on a bus?
Gangster   How did Winston get on a bus?
Clerk         Yes.
Gangster   That's a very good question. Well... He waited at the bus stop, and when the bus came along, he put out his arm. And when the bus stopped, he got on.
Clerk         I see. And then what happened?
Gangster   Well, we were upstairs on the bus -
Clerk         Upstairs?!
Gangster   Yes. Winston wanted to smoke a cigarette.
Clerk         A cigarette?!
Gangster   I know - I tell him everyday: 'Winston, smoking is bad for you'. But he never listens.
Clerk         Hmm. What happened then?
Gangster   Well, I fell asleep.
Clerk         You fell asleep?
Gangster   Yes.
Clerk         I see. And then what happened?
Gangster   I don't know - I was asleep. But then I woke up, and Winston wasn't there.
Clerk         Hmm. Well. I'd better ask you a few questions about him. What kind of elephant is he?
Gangster   Oh, he's very nice - generous, loving ... he likes collecting stamps.
Clerk         No - when I say 'What kind of elephant?', I mean: Is he an African elephant?
Gangster   Oh, no.
Clerk         So he's an Indian elephant.
Gangster   No.
Clerk         What kind of elephant is he?
Gangster   Scottish.
Clerk         A Scottish elephant?!
Gangster   Yes. He wears a kilt.
Clerk         I see. What colour is he?
Gangster   Colour? Well, he's elephant-coloured.
Clerk         And what colour is that?
Gangster   Blue. It was very cold yesterday.
Clerk         Yes, it was. Next question: Colour of eyes.
Gangster   Well, you know, like an elephant.
Clerk         What colour is that?
Gangster   Red.
Clerk         Red?!
Gangster   Green.
Clerk         Green?!
Gangster   One red, one green.
Clerk         One red, one green?!
Gangster   Yes. We call him Traffic Lights'.
Clerk         I see. Colour of hair?
Gangster   Hair?
Clerk         Yes.
Gangster   He hasn't got any hair.
Clerk         I see. (Writing:) Bald... .So we're looking for a bald, blue, Scottish elephant, wearing a kilt and smoking a cigarette.
Gangster   Yes.
Clerk         Is there anything unusual about him?
Gangster   No, nothing at all.
Clerk         Good. Now, Mr Churchill, what should we do if we find Winston?
Gangster   Well... Put a banana in your hand, walk up to Winston, and say 'Kootchie-kootchie-koo'.
Clerk         What will Winston do?
Gangster   Well, if it's Winston, he'll sit down and he'll eat the banana.
Clerk         All right, Mr Churchill. Just wait a moment, and I'll call the Elephant Section.
Gangster   Fine.

The clerk picks up the telephone and dials a number.

Clerk         Hallo? George?... It's Brenda ... I'm fine, thank you - and you?... Good. George, have you got any elephants?... You haven't? Hold on a moment.
(To the gangster:) He hasn't got any elephants.
Gangster   No elephants? Well, not to worry. Sorry to have troubled you. Thank you for your help. I'll be on my way. Goodbye.

He gets up. A police car passes in the street. He sits down again.

Gangster   Er... Ask George to have another look.
Clerk         All right. (Op the phone:) George, can you have another look?
Gangster   Tell him to look under the table.
Clerk         Look under the table. .. .What?... (To the gangster) He's got one.
Gangster   A table?
Clerk         No, an elephant.
Gangster   An elephant?
Clerk         Yes. It was under the table.
Gangster   Really?
Clerk         (On the phone:) Yes, George, I'm listening... Yes ... Yes ... Yes ... Yes ... Yes. Hold on. (To the gangster:) He's got a bald, blue, Scottish elephant, wearing a kilt and smoking a cigarette. It sounds like Winston.
Gangster   What about the banana?
Clerk         Oh, yes. (On the phone:) George ... I want you to put a banana in your hand, and say 'Kootchie-kootchie-koo'..... No, not to me - to the elepnant. OK?... What?... Oh, no!
Gangster   What's the matter?
Clerk         The elephant sat down.
Gangster   Good.
Clerk         On George.
Gangster   Tell George to give Winston the banana!
Clerk         Right. Oh (he phone:) George? George!... Get up and give the banana to the elephant.... Hallo?... What?... Oh, no!
Gangster   What is it?
Clerk         He's eaten the banana.
Gangster   Who? Winston?
Clerk         No. George.
Gangster   Oh, no!
Clerk         Oh (he phone.) George, I think you should bring the elephant down here. The owner is waiting to take him away.... OK ... Bye.

The clerk puts down the telephone.

Clerk         Don't worry, Mr Churchill. Your elephant will be here in a moment.
Gangster   Look - before this elephant arrives, there's something you should know -

They hear the sound of an elephant.

Clerk         Ah, that must be Winston.

They hear the sound of someone falling over.

Clerk         And that's George. Someone knocks at the door.
Clerk         Go on, Mr Churchill. Open the door.
Gangster   Oh, all right.

He opens the door.

Gangster   Hallo, Winston. Kootchie-kootchie-koo!
Policeman Mr Churchill?
Gangster   But.. .this isn't an elephant. It's a policeman.
Policeman Very good, sir. Now, if you'd like to follow me ...
Clerk         Goodbye, Mr Churchill. And don't forget: If you lose your elephant again, the Lost Property Office is here to help you.
Gangster   Oh, good. I'll remember that.

He leaves with the policeman.